More ways to not live your best year in 2015

2014-09-21 07.39.44-2As the year draws to an end, I find myself thinking a lot about what possibilities 2015 holds, and why it seems so hard (for me) to accomplish what it is I want to accomplish and make real the things I resolve to do (like running another marathon). Do you ever feel that way?

So last time, I reflected on a few of the things we do that make it hard to succeed with our goals. And now that my Christmas-cookie-induced-brain-fog has lifted, I’ve thought of a couple more.

Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.

You know when you get so bogged down in the details of something that you lose sight of what you’re even doing? Or when you get so busy doing the things that are “important” right now that you don’t think about what you might want a month or year or 5 from now?

We all do this at one time or another. Whether it’s eating whatever is available because it’s convenient (forgetting that what you really want is to lose 5 or 10 or 30 pounds), or an obsession with responding to email as they enter your inbox instead of using that time for more fulfilling things (or many other examples I trust I don’t need to list out because you know what you get yourself “busy” with).

This is why it’s important to take time to look at the bigger picture of your life.

What’s important? Where do you want to be in a year or 3 or 5? What lights you up?

Try this: Take out a blank sheet of paper and jot down whatever comes up for you when you consider the following questions:

  • What’s most important to me? (As in, if I’m 95 and never did it, I will regret this)./
  • What do you want your life to look like in 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? (There are no wrong answers, and even a blurry picture that evokes feelings is better than not taking a look).
  • What makes me feel alive?

When you have answers for those questions, consider how you want to shape the next bit of your life, whether it’s tomorrow, this month, or this year.

And sometimes we can’t see a single tree because we’re focused on the forest.

This happens to me a lot. I look at the big picture, I know what the dreams and visions are. I know the feelings and the overall plan with major milestones for getting from here to whatever the big picture is. But in the day-to-day of life, I lose sight of what needs to happen.

This is a problem because if you are only thinking big picture (strategical planning), and forget about the day-to-day (tactical stuff), nothing really gets done. At least not anything related to that big picture.

Chris Brogan says that your day is your week is your month is your year. Which means that what you do today impacts what you get done this week which impacts what you get done this month, etc.

It’s not enough to know the big picture. You also have to know what needs to get done today in order to make the vision real.

Try this: After you have your big picture laid out, take the time to consider what needs to happen along the way. The way I like to do this is to look at my goals for the year and then consider what needs to be done in 6 months in order to be on track. And then look at what needs to be done in 3 months in order to be on track in 6 months. And then 1 month. And then this week. (From there, I do my best to fit in little bits of goal-moving stuff every day… even if it as simple as sending an email to someone).

It’s the little things we do everyday that add up to the bigger goals.

At the end of the day, we need to do both kinds of planning: big picture (strategic) and front-line, day-to-day (tactical). If we are missing one, we are missing both.

How do you make sure you get done what is most important?

How not to live your best year in 2015

2014-04-11 04.47.56I’ve seen loads of “Live Your Best Year Yet” videos, blog posts, free workbooks, and paid programs coming across my radar these last few weeks.

‘Tis the season for setting resolutions, goals, and intentions. But with the abysmal success rate most people seem to have sticking to their resolutions and goals, I can’t help wondering, why do we do it?

It’s just what people do at the end of the year.

So of course I do it, and I’m guessing you do too. But how many times have you ended the year only to look back at the goals you set and feel disappointed? Like you failed? Like you need to stuff your face with Christmas cookies to help you forget about all the things you didn’t do (once again) this year?

Yeah, me too.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

There are a few ways that we set ourselves up to fail.

  1. We write our goal or intention in a notebook somewhere and then don’t look at it again.
    Let’s face it, when the rubber meets the road, and life is running at full steam, it’s really easy to forget about that thing you wrote on a page in that notebook that one time in December. “Out of sight, out of mind” is a cliche for a reason.
    Try this instead: Write your intentions and goals on a post-it note that you see everyday. Alternatively, write your goals at the top of the page when you make your daily ToDo list. Either way, remember that to make anything stick, you need to keep it front and center.
     
  2. We pick things we think we should do, not things we want to do.

    I used to work for a company that, when it came time to fill in my self-evaluation (which included a space for my personal career goals), would ask me to set personal goals that would benefit the team. Huh?

    So, ever the good girl I would set the goals I thought I should set because that was what was expected from me. Turns out I was pretty good at making stuff up that sounded really good on paper. Too bad most of that paper got recycled.

    When you set goals out of expectations or “shoulds”, your heart isn’t in it. And if your heart isn’t in it, you won’t have much real motivation to do it (and it’s really just a waste of your energy). These goals feel like a burden instead of inspirational — which is really what this time of year is about.

    Try this instead: Ask yourself what you want to feel at the end of next year? What would make you feel more alive?

  3. We don’t know why our goals or intentions are important to us.

    Anything that we actually want to make happen in our life and in our world (goals, intentions, wishes, dreams, resolutions, whatever) need to be connected to our values, purpose, mission, and/or our why.

    When that connection is missing, something deep inside of us doesn’t really believe that this goal is worth our time. Or we don’t believe it’s doable. Or we don’t believe that it will make a difference. The bottom line is that without grounding it in what matters, we don’t believe in our goal, and it just floats away untethered.

    Try this instead: If you have already identified your purpose, values, mission, or your why, take the time to connect the dots between these guiding principles and the goals and intentions you set for the new year.

    If you haven’t already identified these things, you can start now. Here’s a shortcut: Take a look at your goal and ask yourself what’s important about it? Notice how you feel. You’re looking for what feels right more than what makes logical sense. Sit with it and trust your inner compass.

How do you keep yourself on track with your goals and intentions?

relentless

2014-07-27 10.27.18On a Sunday morning in June, I listened to Chris Brogran’s Owner Mind podcast while I peeled lemons for limoncello. As I enjoyed the Meyer lemony smells all over my kitchen and hands, Chris interviewed Tim Grover about his book Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable. I was inspired so much that I bought the book that same day, and finished it a couple of days later.

Now, I’ll say this: I am a book junkie. I’m always reading something… actually, I’ve always got at least 4 books going (1 audiobook for in the car, 1 fiction for before bed, and usually 2 nonfiction books related to leadership, productivity, psychology, or nutrition). And my list of books that I want to read is really long and always growing. So it is rare for me to immediately buy a book and have it move to the front of the line.

But when I started skimming the introduction of Relentless, I couldn’t stop. If it weren’t for work and silly stuff like that, I would have read it in one sitting. I loved the anecdotes about Michael Jordan, Dwayne Wade, and Kobe Bryant. But even more than that, it was an inspiring kick in the pants to stop dragging my feet and be relentlessly me.

As a leader. As someone who wants more from life. As someone with a purpose.

Why you should read Relentless

Tim Grover doesn’t mince words. He’s direct and honest (he also drops a few f-bombs). And while I don’t always agree with some of the details, his underlying message is spot on: “In order to have what you really want, you must first be who you really are.”

Not the nice girl who makes other people happy.
Not the gold-star chaser.
Not the unassuming wallflower who moves out of the way so others can shine.

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It’s not about making other people happy. It’s about finding that inner strength, the mental toughness, the drive to succeed. And in a world that wants you to be like everyone else, we all need to be reminded once in a while that it’s being completely who you are that makes you great.

You are made for something more than watching other people live their lives (Real Housewives, anyone?). Whether that is to bring beauty into the world, grow children into contributing adults, or bring about world peace.

No one else can tell you what your purpose is, it’s got to come from inside of you (although if you need help putting your purpose into words, I can help with that). And if you want a little nudge into thinking like the unstoppable leader you are, give Relentless a read.

2014-08-23 14.08.48P.S. Here is the finished limoncello (and in case you’re interested, I used this recipe).


Photo Credit: Lemons & limoncello are mine. Graffiti photo: Eddie via Flickr (Creative Commons License)

3 Keys to an Ease-filled Holiday

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I was at Target yesterday and guess what I found?
The holiday frenzy has already begun.

It isn’t even Thanksgiving yet, people. Do we really need to be so intense in the parking lot and rushing through the store already?

This happens every year. And every year I’m surprised.

Not because it’s new, but because I’ve designed a different kind of holiday season for myself over the last 10 years. And I kind of forget that there is a frenetic holiday vortex out there waiting to suck me in.

So today I thought I’d share with you a few things that have helped me create spaciousness around the busiest time of the year in hopes that you can take these nuggets and create a little peace in your life too. Starting today.
Continue reading “3 Keys to an Ease-filled Holiday”

2014 Holiday Gift Guide for HSPs

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I hate the holidays.

I hate how Christmas decorations show up before Halloween and Jingle Bell Rock can be heard on November 1st. And what is the deal with the Starbucks red cups anyway? I just don’t get why it’s “a thing”.

But I’m not entirely anti-holiday.

I love gingerbread. And cozy sweaters. Also: presents. Both giving and receiving.

I also really enjoy reading all of the lists of gift ideas (Sew Mama Sew has a fun one every year called Handmade Holidays). I almost never buy things (or make things) from the lists I read, but they inspire me to think outside of my particular box.

So I thought I’d write my own (short) list of gift ideas for the highly sensitive people in your life.

Continue reading “2014 Holiday Gift Guide for HSPs”

Reframing Confidence

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The more I talk with introverts and highly sensitive people, the more I hear a deep desire to feel more confident. And although I did a series on confidence earlier this year, I’m beginning to realize that this confidence building thing isn’t answered with just a few tips and some mental “hacks”.

What’s actually needed is a major reframe.

This doesn’t mean that you have to spend thousands of dollars on a coach (though I’d be happy to talk to you if that’s what you’re looking to do. wink, wink), and it doesn’t mean that you have to move to a new city and start a new life. Or whatever other drastic, scary thing might be your go-to nightmare scenario when words like major and reframe are thrown at you.

So, what does a major reframe look like?

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Are you an HSP?

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You just spent a day at Disneyland with your family, getting lost in the throngs of people, noises, lights, and smells. Your kids are ready to ride Space Mountain again, but all you want to do is go find a dark, quiet place to hide out for a while.

If that sounds familiar, you might be a highly sensitive person.

In 1996, Dr. Elaine Aron published her groundbreaking book, The Highly Sensitive Person, in which she described what an HSP is, reassured us that it was okay to be one, and gave us permission to take better care of ourselves.

Before I read The Highly Sensitive Person when I was 26 years old, I thought there was something wrong with me that only a lifetime of therapy (and maybe drugs) would be able to fix. I felt neurotic, imbalanced, and constantly frazzled.

But Elaine Aron taught me it’s okay to be me… a highly sensitive person.
Continue reading “Are you an HSP?”

Riding the wave

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When I first moved to California, I was determined that I would learn how to surf. As a teenager in Savannah, Georgia I watched surfing competitions on TV whenever I got the chance and dreamt that someday I would shoot the curl.

So, I came to California imagining sunny, sandy beaches and me surfing like a natural. I rushed over to Santa Cruz and took my first surf lesson and found that this was not the beach I had dreamt of. It was cold. I had to wear a wetsuit. And it was cold.

Still, I loved surfing. The feeling of finding that balance point and being propelled gracefully toward the shore. Cold as I was, I was hooked, and soon bought a used board. I spent many weekends pulling on my wetsuit and booties, paddling out into the frigid Pacific Ocean, and trying my best to catch a wave (which I did a couple of times, though never completely mastered the art).

In the end, I gave up on surfing in Santa Cruz. The water is just too cold for this Southern girl. But I’m happy to surf when we visit the warmer waters of Hawaii, and I learned a lot about life from surfing.
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Your superpower is not invisibility.

SuperLéo (boy of steel) by AP Photographie ?, on Flickr

There was a time in my life when I really thought that I was invisible. It certainly felt that way from where I was sitting, and I also did everything I could to make it true (like standing along the edge of the dance floor instead of getting out there and shaking my thang – which I love to do – or averting my eyes using that old “if I can’t see you, you can’t see me” mind game).

But invisibility is not my superpower.

BTW – It’s not your superpower either.

No matter what messages you internalized through the growing-up-years, or the discomfort you may feel when meeting new people, or the desire to disappear when you’re put on the spot. Your superpower is not invisibility, but you do have a superpower (more on that in a minute).
Continue reading “Your superpower is not invisibility.”

More than words.

I was having coffee recently with a group of introverted leaders. The group was eclectic, and yet we shared a common experience: the insecurity and struggle of having our voice heard, especially in work or pressure situations.
One of the men in the group mentioned his martial arts instructors, saying they were both introverts but they both had very powerful presence. Do you know someone like that? They don’t have to say a lot, but you feel their strength. This inner presence is something that, as an introvert and leader, fascinates me. And today I want to share some of what I’ve discovered about it.

I made you a short video. I decided it was more important what I said than how I looked so I’m wearing my 40-year-olds-need-glasses glasses, and I’m not even wearing makeup. But don’t let that scare you off. Watch it below:

Are people just born with inner presence? Can anyone cultivate it?

Continue reading “More than words.”