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What I learned from (trying to be) Little Miss Perfect

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All I ever really wanted was to be perfect.

I followed all of the rules (both spoken and unspoken).
I made good grades.
I did all the things I was supposed to do.
And I did everything within my power to exceed expectations.

I had it all together.

I was the perfect mix of pre-prison Martha Stewart and pre-spandex Sandy (you know, like… “Sandy, you can’t just walk out of a drive in!” — that should be read in your best Danny Zuko voice)..

I was Little Miss Perfect.

And I felt like a fraud.

Like any minute I’d be found out. Someone would finally see that I wasn’t actually all that smart or talented or nice or pretty or perfect.

It was exhausting. And no matter how hard I tried to actually BE perfect, I never FELT perfect.

So after years of carrying the burden of being Little Miss Perfect, I’ve let it go.

Here is what I’ve learned from (trying to be) Little Miss Perfect:

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4 things to remember when your Inner Mean Girl starts bullying you

“Why are you wasting your time doing that?”
“You don’t really think people are going to care about what you have to say, do you?”
“You’re hopeless.”
“Oh.My.Gawd.”

These are just a few of the things my inner mean girl has been shouting in my ear this week.

innermeangirls

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve really made progress in my business. I’ve felt on fire and like I had a real purpose and a real plan. And I was going after it.

But then I let my guard down for a minute. In that minute, my inner mean girl started yapping. And… like with kids and puppies: give her an inch and she’ll take a mile.

Cue the eye rolling and face palms…

So there I was on Tuesday, minding my own business when my Inner Mean Girl started whispering doubts like: “Maybe this isn’t the right direction.”

She was talking about my business, and I actually took a minute to consider what she was saying. Which was my first mistake.
Continue reading “4 things to remember when your Inner Mean Girl starts bullying you”

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3 things I learned about life from a flying trapeze lesson.

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This Saturday my husband, Dan, and I took a trapeze lesson. It was 1.5 hours of physical and mental challenge. And a whole lot of fun.

It was also educational. I learned a lot about myself, what I’m capable of, and about the unnecessary (and often unreasonable) limits I place on myself (I’m guessing you might do this too). So today I’m sharing some of what I learned.

3 Things I learned about Life from a Trapeze Lesson:

  1. You have to climb one rung at a time.

    When you’re at the bottom of the 30-foot ladder looking up, it feels impossible that you’ll make it all the way to the top. Whether your 30-foot ladder is actually a ladder or it’s a book you haven’t started writing yet or a new business you want to start or the decluttering project you keep putting off, when you are looking at the whole thing from really close up, it’s going to look impossible.

    The only thing to do really is to take a deep breath and climb. One rung at a time. (And keeping your eyes on only the next 1-2 rungs of the ladder, nothing more).

  2. Sometimes the only way forward is to jump.

    When I made it to the top of that 30-foot ladder and climbed onto the platform, I was relieved to be safe again. That is, until I realized that I was now standing on a tiny platform 30-feet in the air and my best hope for getting back to the ground was to jump.

    There comes a time in life (or business or with a project) when things get scary. Looking forward you see that the only thing to do is the scariest option available (give a speech, sign a contract, start hustling,… whatever). And you’ll look behind you and wonder if maybe you wouldn’t be happier to climb back down the ladder. Or just stay there on the platform forever.

    But if you want to LIVE, if you want success, if you really want that dream to come true, you have to jump. It’s called facing your fears, and living courageously. The best things in life often come with scary parts, but getting through those things are a big part of what makes it worth it in the end.

    Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and surrender to the great unknown.

  3. It’s not as hard as you think it is.

    When Dan and I arrived for our lesson, I was worried that I would not be able to do it. I had had one trapeze lesson before seven years ago, but that was when I was 30 pounds lighter and rock climbing several times a week.

    And so in my mind, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough physically to actually get my legs onto the bar as they instructed us to do (especially when I could barely do it with the assistance of the instructor when we were practicing on the ground).

    But the thing is, when you’re swinging through the air, physics take over. And my body took over. I didn’t have time to think about what I could and couldn’t do. When the instructions were yelled at me, I just did it. And while I won’t say that it was easy, I will say that it was easier than I thought it would be.

    So when you are talking yourself out of something because you think it’s too hard or you can’t do it, take the first step. You may be surprised to find it’s not as hard as you think it is.

Bonus: Courage is an action.
For me, every step of the process on Saturday took courage, from climbing the ladder to jumping off of the platform to letting go of the trapeze bar to fall onto the net. There were so many moments when all I could do was take a deep breath and then respond to what was being asked of me.

A lot of things in life are like that too. Courage isn’t a shield that protects you from fear, and it’s not something you put on before you start.

Courage is something you do, it’s the action you take. (Click here to tweet that).

And life, like crazy trapeze lessons, takes courage.

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don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides

One day when I was twenty-six, I was huddled up in Sarah’s cubicle at work. Sarah was a good work-friend of mine of similar age and outlook on life. She and I were commiserating over how hard our lives were compared to others’. Sharing whispered laments of how no one understood how hard it was for us. How everyone else had it easy… and how we had to struggle to make it.

[side note: looking back, I realize just how silly we must’ve sounded… two young, well-paid professionals living in a major city and lacking nothing except maybe a little more love.]

We were overheard by Missy, who was a few years older and definitely wiser than we were in that moment. Missy poked her head into the cubicle, and looked at us not unkindly and said: “Girls, don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.”

Screech… spit-take… whaaat did she just say?

your insides

Talk about life changing. That one phrase has helped me through lonely post-divorce dating droughts, disappointments due to being passed over for promotions, and a multitude of challenges as an entrepreneur/writer/stepmom/person.

I’ve shared that quote with more people than I can count, from friends to clients, and many tell me years later that they still think about it and how it changed their view of life.

(By the way, I found out years later that this saying is used in Alcoholics Anonymous… in case you’re curious where it came from.)

This one phrase is the ultimate counter to compare-and-despair syndrome. It is a great balance to your friends’ happy highlight-reel lives on Facebook. It reminds you that you’re not comparing apples to apples.

Of course you are going to feel inadequate or hopeless when comparing your deepest, darkest insides to someone else’s highly-curated public persona.

Of course you feel like no one understands you. Those unpolished inner thoughts are not the things we put onto Facebook or talk about in public.

Of course you feel like everyone else’s life is so much better when you compare their happiest & hippest moments shared on Instagram to your unfiltered day-to-day.

The point is, you don’t know how much someone has struggled (or still struggles) to be where they are today. You don’t know if behind that smile is a broken heart. You don’t know if your pain is any deeper than anyone else’s.

And that is okay.

So… stop comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. And…

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Philo

P.S. this is #12 of the 40 things I would tell my 20-year-old self.

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confession: i don’t know what I’m doing

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Photo Credit: aftab via Flickr.

I’ve spent the last couple of months getting myself & my business together.

I worked on my Right-Brain Business Plan.
I cleared out my Inbox.
I cleaned up my office.
I created my own getting stuff done system (to organize my ToDo list & actually get stuff done).
I set business goals, priorities, and milestones.
I figured out my High Value Activities and Core Business Activities.
I created spreadsheets to track money, metrics, and other fun stuff like that.
I have read, listened to, and watched lots of experts talk about getting your business off the ground.

And then I put myself on an information diet so that I could take some action.

I’ve got everything pointing in the right direction and all my ducks in a row.

And yet I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.

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do you have fomo?

This is part of my Spring Cleaning series that runs on Wednesdays through the end of Spring.

spring cleaning

When I announced last week that I was starting this Spring Cleaning series, a friend asked “are you going to cover uncluttering the brain?”

And I said: “Yes!”

So instead of starting with physical clutter in your closets and kitchen pantry, that’s where I’m starting… with the stuff that clutters up our brains.

What clutters up your brain?

Answer that question in the comments and I’ll cover it in my next post.

In the meantime, I’d like to bring your attention to a growing epidemic in our culture: FOMO.

You may have FOMO if…

  • You check email, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram every 15 minutes (or every 3 minutes after you post something to see if anyone responds).
  • You have 10 or more tabs open in your browser at any given moment.
  • You have more than 5 Post-it notes on your desk and/or edge of your monitor reminding you of books to read, quotes to ponder, and stuff to do.
  • You are subscribed to more newsletters than anyone could possibly keep up with.
  • You never close your Facebook or email tabs.
  • You say “yes” to every invitation.
  • Your inbox has more than 100 emails in it, most of which you are keeping there “in case” you need it, find time to read it, decide to use the coupon this weekend, or maybe you might think about perhaps someday doing/attending/reading/using/responding to it.
  • You spend hours every day on Facebook, Twitter, and/or email.
  • You’ve overcommitted yourself. Your calendar is FULL of events, only half of which you really want to attend, because you never know who might be there or what might happen.

Fear Of Missing Out

How often do you subscribe to something, buy something, “save something for later” (not archive it, not delete it, not file it away, but add it to your “later” pile), or agree to attend a meeting/party/event because you are afraid you might miss out if you don’t go?

Yeah, me too.

My FOMO shows up the most in my information addiction. I subscribe to newsletters like a crazy person, thinking I really need to learn from this person/company only to find I really don’t have the time or the interest to actually read it. And then never unsubscribe because I might want to read it later (or feel guilty about unsubscribing).

I used to “save” emails by leaving them in my Inbox to read later or because it might end up being important. At one point I had over a thousand emails in my Inbox. Many of those were newsletters I thought I’d read someday.

But there is another way.

Continue reading “do you have fomo?”

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the c word

On Monday, I said that a dream is just a nice idea until you commit & take action. And that got me thinking more about the c word: commitment.

Let’s talk about Commitment for a minute.

After many false starts (on this blog, on my exercise routine, on diets, on… well, lots of stuff), I’ve realized that commitment is active.

It’s not a one time thing. When you stand next to your honey and say “I do”, your commitment does not end there. You wake up every day and commit to your marriage, whether you realize it consciously or not.

When you commit to losing weight, you have to make a choice and commit at every meal and whenever a workout time comes up.

And when you commit to your dream, to your remarkable life, to YOU, you have to do it every day.

But Patricia… that sounds like work.

Well… Yes and No.

On the one hand, it may take effort at first to stay the course, to recommit over and over, to really OWN IT.

On the other hand, when your effort is directed toward the thing that lights you up from within (aka your dream/passion/purpose/values/resonant hobby), it rarely feels like work.

Effort, yes. Work, no.

The effort might even feel really hard sometimes, like for me today, my gremlins woke up shouting at me. And it took real effort to recommit myself to keep moving forward, making my dream happen (a big part of which is writing this blog & connecting with you).

But now that I’m doing it, it does NOT feel like work. In fact, I feel content & full (not drained and empty like after a long day of work).

What lights you up from within?

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what time is it?

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It’s Time!

There’s a cheer I remember from way back when I was a cheerleader (9th & 10th grade) that I think applies very well to my life right now. And your life too.

It went something like this:
(to the beat of stomp-clap, stomp-stomp-clap ;)

What time is it? … It’s time.
What time is it? … It’s time.
It’s time to go.
It’s time to fight.
It’s time to win this thing tonight.

Deep, right?

What’s the thing you “want to do” but never get around to it?

You know, that dream thing? That thing that you think would make you happy/healthy/fulfilled?

For me, it’s making the switch on this blog from chocolate, cupcakes, and food porn (not that there’s anything wrong with any of that, it’s just not where I’m at now) to life, inspiration, motivation, coaching, and living remarkably.

(I’ve also got dreams of writing a book and being interviewed by Oprah, but first things first).

So… dreams are awesome. I LOVE dreams & dreamers. Dreams are the best thing since popcorn with M&Ms.

But a dream is only a dream until you’re willing to grab it, put it in your pocket, and start running with it. That is to say…

A dream is just a nice idea until you commit & take action. ← tweet this.

So… What time is it? IT’S TIME!

Time to commit to your remarkable life… to YOU… to your dreams… to making it happen.

What are you ready to commit to?

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happy birthday to me & a gift for you

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Dan & I kicked off our birthday week (his is on Valentine’s Day) on Saturday with a fabulous dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and Bill Cosby Live (such an amazing & funny man! He’s still got it at 75).

I’m not going to tell you how old I am today because I don’t want to think about numbers on my birthday (though if you go to my charity:water page, you’ll see the real number), but let’s just say I’m old enough to remember some stuff (like this and this).

Oh and…
8thgrade-goodidea

Anyway… so I have a birthday present FOR YOU

Yep. I’m giving you a gift on my birthday. Aren’t I awesome?

Remember all that stuff I said about gremlins? (You can watch it here if you need a refresher). Well, I’ve created a FREE mini-course that will help you housebreak your gremlin.

stopdoubting

It is quick, easy, and fun. All delivered to your inbox in bite-sized pieces over 5 days.

I put some really good stuff in there to get your from “maybe-I-dunno” to saying “Oh yeah!” (like Koolaid Man). I hope you like it. Did I mention it’s FREE?

Ready? Sign up Now

Updated [September 3, 2013] — I’m no longer offering this free mini course, but I do have a downloadable e-book that helps you take your Dream and put it into Action. You can get it for free just click here to sign up!