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Reframing Confidence

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The more I talk with introverts and highly sensitive people, the more I hear a deep desire to feel more confident. And although I did a series on confidence earlier this year, I’m beginning to realize that this confidence building thing isn’t answered with just a few tips and some mental “hacks”.

What’s actually needed is a major reframe.

This doesn’t mean that you have to spend thousands of dollars on a coach (though I’d be happy to talk to you if that’s what you’re looking to do. wink, wink), and it doesn’t mean that you have to move to a new city and start a new life. Or whatever other drastic, scary thing might be your go-to nightmare scenario when words like major and reframe are thrown at you.

So, what does a major reframe look like?

Continue reading “Reframing Confidence”

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More than words.

I was having coffee recently with a group of introverted leaders. The group was eclectic, and yet we shared a common experience: the insecurity and struggle of having our voice heard, especially in work or pressure situations.
One of the men in the group mentioned his martial arts instructors, saying they were both introverts but they both had very powerful presence. Do you know someone like that? They don’t have to say a lot, but you feel their strength. This inner presence is something that, as an introvert and leader, fascinates me. And today I want to share some of what I’ve discovered about it.

I made you a short video. I decided it was more important what I said than how I looked so I’m wearing my 40-year-olds-need-glasses glasses, and I’m not even wearing makeup. But don’t let that scare you off. Watch it below:

Are people just born with inner presence? Can anyone cultivate it?

Continue reading “More than words.”

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Dear Introvert, it’s time.

An interesting thing has happened over the last couple of years.

It started innocently enough with a few articles like “23 signs you’re secretly an introvert”, and a couple of “how to care for your introvert” infographics. And for the longest time I’ve been right there with the authors, alone in my office, throwing my fist into the air doing an Arsenio Hall “woo woo woo” along with all of my introverted brothers and sisters of the internet.

Then I read the book Quiet by Susan Cain, and thought, “Finally, someone is really speaking up for introverts.” And I watched her Ted Talk. And immediately rushed off to tell everyone I knew to go watch it (so I posted it on Facebook which is practically the same thing).

But in the last couple of years, “introvert” has gone from a word bandied about by personality type junkies and psychologists to a mainstream buzzword and sort-of diagnosis. Introvert has become a badge of honor for the “old souls” among us. A (not-so) secret club that only those who understand the “20 things only introverts know” can be a part of. And at the same time it feels like it’s become a thing that other people need to be aware of like ALS or autism.
Continue reading “Dear Introvert, it’s time.”

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confession: i’m shy

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(remember Square Pegs?)

Square Peg, Round Hole

As a kid, I always felt like a square peg being forced into a round hole.

You need to smile more.
Why are you so shy?
Speak up.

Everyone else seemed to make friends easily, had no trouble making small talk, and generally seemed more outgoing than me.

Please Understand Me

Then one day in my twenties, my cousin gave me the book Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey.

That book changed my life.

Not only did I learn about my own personality type (INFP), but I began to understand how the differences in temperament can lead to that square peg feeling.

That book ignited what has become a lifelong passion for understanding people and relationships.

It was also my first real introduction to Introversion and Extroversion.

E – I? E -I? ooohhh…

Since first reading David Keirsey’s book, I’ve read many more on personality types, introversion, and sensitivity.

Most recently I listened to the audio version of Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

This is one of the best books I’ve read on introverts and why everyone else seems to be soooo extroverted.

She does a beautiful job of tracing the shift (in the U.S.) from valuing “the thinking man” to valuing “the man of action” and the impact it’s had on our society, as well as what the real differences are between how extroverts and introverts communicate (and why we sometimes get so frustrated with one another).

Her book has also helped me let go of those lingering shoulds telling me I should be anything other than what I am: introverted.

I’m not shy, I’m just quiet

I’ve learned that the shy label is tossed around too freely. Just because I’m not the most talkative person in the room doesn’t mean I’m afraid to talk to you.

It just means I’m waiting my turn. Or maybe the topic isn’t that engaging to me. Or maybe I’m happy just listening right now.

Being quiet is a powerful thing.

I’m owning this power I have. And I’m not going to apologize for being exactly who I am, and I won’t expect myself to be like anyone else even if they seem to have it all together and lots of friends.

Don’t compare your insides with other people’s outsides.

What is one gift you’ve been treating as a weakness? Are you ready to claim that power back?

Susan Cain’s Ted Talk: The Power of Introverts

P.S. If you’re curious about your own personality type, you can take a Myers-Briggs / Jungian based test here. Or if you want to know where you fall on the introvert–>extrovert scale, Susan Cain has a quiz for that here.

P.P.S. I’m a total geek about this stuff so would LOVE to know what your personality type is, whether you’re an introvert or extrovert and how that impacts your experience of life, and all that. If you’re inclined to share, please do share in the comments or send me an email.