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How to enjoy a conference (even when you’d rather stay home)

2015-02-24 07.32.52This Tuesday I went to the Lead On Women’s Conference. And while I was excited to go, part of me wanted to stay home. Why? So.Many.People.

Worse than that, actually. So many people I don’t know.

But I volunteered to be one of the coaches in the “Coaches Corner” (offering speed coaching sessions to attendees) and I didn’t want to let anyone down. And I wanted to see Brene Brown and Hilary Clinton live (because how often do I get to do that?). So I pulled myself together and went.

Do you ever feel like you’d rather stay at home?

As an introvert and/or HSP, chances are you sometimes feel anxious or overwhelmed at the thought of going somewhere new like a conference where thousands of other people will also be. The chatter, the lights, the sea of booths. It’s a lot.

But whether for work or for fun (as in you want to go), chances are you’ll at some point need to pull yourself together and go to a conference (or concert or other large event that can induce heart palpitations).

Here are some things you can do to make the experience easier and dare I say, fun?

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  1. Go at your own pace.

    When we go places with large groups of people all there to do the same thing, it is really easy to a) think you need to go with the frenzied flow and b) worry you might miss something if you don’t. But FOMO is the enemy.
    For sure, get outside of your comfort zone, but don’t go so far that you end up out of your tree. There is a happy place for you somewhere in between “I’m going home” and “I’m going to meet 1,000 people and go to every breakout session.” Find the place where you can be at the conference without being overwhelmed by it. It is possible.

  2. Remember why you came.

    This is for those moments when you feel like chickening out, packing up, and giving up. You spent the money (or your company spent money for you) to be there, there must be a reason. What did you come to get? Who did you want to meet? Keep your goals and your purpose in mind, and it will be easier to stay when the sea of people overtakes you.

  3. Take breaks and hydrate!

    Take care of yourself. Period.
    Whether that’s stepping outside during a break to enjoy a moment of peace and sunshine, or carrying a water bottle and snack so that you avoid the afternoon hanger (hungry+anger). Oh, and wear comfortable shoes, yeah?

  4. Start a conversation with someone. They might be just as nervous as you are.

    This is my favorite tip, and one that I remind myself of often, because the truth is that large groups of unknown people can be intimidating to lots of people (yes, even some extroverts). But while we are all focused on our own anxieties and discomforts, it’s easy to forget that that woman who is sitting next to you at lunch who is also alone might love a friendly face. Why not make it yours?
    (It’s not like you have to promise to be besties forever and ever… or even the rest of the conference. It’s just hello.)

  5. Take a deep breath and have fun!

    You get to choose whether you have fun or not. And given the choice, why not choose fun?
    That said, when anxiety or nerves are involved, breathing helps. It may sound like a flippant to say “just breathe”, but it is amazing how much a deep, centering breath can do (granted, sometimes it takes more than one).
    There’s nothing you have to prove to anyone (not even to yourself). And you get to have fun because I said so. Kidding. You get to have fun because it’s your prerogative. (Anyone else hearing Bobby Brown all of a sudden?)

And at the end of the day, you get to go home and cuddle with your cat.

Or dog. Or human. Or remote.

2015-02-24 16.46.08At the conference on Tuesday, I coached 9 women leaders (each session was about 20 minutes). Then I sat among thousands of women (and a few men) and listened to Brené Brown weave her stories with research and poignant vulnerability and to Hilary Clinton mesmerize and inspire with her passion, commitment, and humanity.

Bonus: I got to visit a little with some of my coach-friends who I don’t see very often. So all-in-all it was a fantastic day, and I was glad that I didn’t listen to the voice that wanted to stay in bed and hide.

And when I got home, I changed into the comfiest clothes I own and cuddled with Raven in the quiet of my bedroom. Exhausted, at the edge of overstimulated, and completely satisfied.

What did I forget on the list?

Let me know in the comments what you would add to this list of tips for introverts and HSPs attending large conferences.

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the dilemma

As an introverted leader, you face a dilemma. I face it too. Every day.

How do you balance your need for introvert time with putting yourself and your message into the world?

When these things are out of whack, it can lead to introvert-exhaustion.

in•tro•vert-ex•haus•tion
noun

1. a state of extreme mental, physical, and emotional fatigue brought on by too much time “in the world”.

2. the action or state of using up an introvert’s energy reserves completely.

You know what I’m talking about, right? You spend a day going from hour-long phone call to lunch with a friend to a coffee date to more phone calls, without breaks, and at the end of the day you feel spent.

When I feel that way, I’m usually tempted to spend a day on the couch watching cooking shows and surfing the internet on my laptop. But this can lead to the cycle of doom.

The cycle of doom: Facebook->email->worrying about what I should be doing instead of->email-Facebook->…

The problem with this is that it seems like it is “introverted” and we think, therefore it should be restful.
Continue reading “the dilemma”

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Anger Sucks: Don’t Bottle it Up.

Most of my life, I felt like it was my job to keep my emotions under wraps.
Be stoic.
Never rock the boat.
Always comply.
And generally be a good girl.

And I was miserable because of it.

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Until a few years ago when I realized that I was filled to the brim with unspoken hurts and anger… some of it had been bottled up for so long that it had fermented into rage… and it was time to start finding ways to let it out (safely). Because it was eating me up from the inside and making me miserable.

If you’ve ever bottled up anger, felt scared that you would make someone upset because you didn’t agree with them, and did everything in your power to never let anyone else see the slightest hint that you might be upset, then this week’s video is for you.

A couple of links related to this week’s video:

Let me know in the comments below: how do you handle anger?

Click here to tweet this: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

P.S. It’s worth mentioning that I don’t think anger in and of itself is a “bad” emotion. There are no “bad” emotions. Emotions just are what they are. But when we bottle things up, they spoil like milk and block us from a fulfilling, flowing life.

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Why self-care & rest are so important.

I spent last week in Sonoma, California, working as an assistant at a leadership retreat (the first of four retreats that are part of the CTI Leadership Program).

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So basically, I moved chairs around, manned the video camera, and sat in the back of the room quietly observing and “holding space” for 6 days.

When I say it like that, it doesn’t sound like very much. But the truth is that “holding space” means staying completely present and open-hearted. And energetically being there in the room with the leaders and participants as one-by-one they were transformed and busted open. For 6 days.

That takes a lot of focus and energy. I didn’t realize how much until I got home.

On Sunday evening when I got home, I was still riding high and I talked Dan’s ear off. But I woke up on Monday feeling like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. And then Tuesday, I felt like someone had shattered the bricks with a sledgehammer.

In other words, I was spent. Tired. Exhausted. Pooped.

So I’ve had to let go of the big plans I had for this week and just… rest.

And I re-learned the importance of good self-care and making time to recover. That’s what this week’s video is about.

Links & stuff about Introversion & HSPs (in case you want more info):

Let me know in the comments below what you do to recover when you are bone-tired? And also, how easy or hard is it for you to give yourself that time? (that is, do you feel guilty or selfish? And if so, why?).

P.S. This week’s post is later than planned (Wednesday is usually my post day) because I didn’t plan for my rest & recovery & self-care the way I should have. Live and learn.

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5 signs that you’re too nice

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If you’ve ever felt like you are under-appreciated, resentful of yet another request of your time, or like breaking all the dishes that are in the sink because apparently you’re the only one who does dishes around here, but just put your happy face on and do it anyway, then chances are, you are too nice, and this post is for you.

But isn’t being nice a good thing? Yes. Well, sort of… not really.

The thing is, there is a difference between being a caring, generous person and giving until it hurts. You know what I mean. You give and give (of your time, emotional support, energy, love, whatever) until you’re left feeling empty. Not to mention feeling taken for granted or trapped in a job/relationship/volunteer project that you no longer love and it is draining the joy out of your life… and yet you feel you can’t leave because you might let someone down or hurt someone’s feelings.

When you forget about yourself and your own needs (and are left feeling unhappy to be helping), you are being too nice.

5 Signs That You Are Too Nice

  1. You never have time for yourself.
    Like for pedicures or hot baths, exercise or reading, or even an uninterrupted cup of tea… whatever it is that makes you feel nourished or taken care of. Anything that puts you or your needs first.

    Why? Because you put everyone else first. Like always. You worry that you’ll hurt someone’s feelings if you say no, ask for space, stand up for yourself, ask for what you need, or disagree with anything.

    You resent or judge other people who do take time for themselves (“They don’t care as much as they should or they’d spend more time ______ instead of getting pedicures all the time”).

    But really deep down, you’re jealous. And you wonder: “When will it be my turn?”

  2. You apologize for everything.
    Even when it’s not your fault. Even when there’s nothing for you to apologize for. “I’m sorry” falls hastily from your lips almost as a preemptive incantation to ward off any bad feelings from anyone. Ever.

    You’ve come to believe that if someone is not happy, it is somehow your fault. Deep down you feel like everyone else matters more than you do. (Which, by the way, is a load of poop).

  3. You feel overwhelmed, pretty much all the time.
    Because you can’t say NO. Or you feel bad when you do so you don’t do it very often. You even have a hard time making up an excuse to get out of doing something because you feel guilty about lying and anyway, what would they think if they knew you lied to get out of it? They’d think you were a terrible person, probably. At least that’s what you tell yourself as you buck up and say yes to yet another thing.

    You sometimes wonder how you’ll ever get it all done but can’t see any other way. You can’t drop any of it, because everyone is counting on you. So you push forward, knowing that you might utterly collapse before you finish all of it, but you can’t collapse because you’re the only one who can do it. You keep asking yourself: “How will I ever get it all done?”

    You have an amazing ability to be both “too important” to not be involved in everything and “not important enough” to have your needs met.

  4. You have lost sight of your own dreams.
    You are so wrapped up in managing and caring for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and needs, that you don’t even really know what it is you want anymore. Though secretly in those rare quiet moments you allow yourself, you wonder if there isn’t more to life than this.

    When you do take the time to consider what you really want in your life, you think things like: “What would my [mom / best friend / husband / boss ] think if I were to [take a leave of absence for six months / quit my job to become a yoga teacher / move to Bali ]?”

    They’d think you were crazy. At least, that’s what YOU think they’d think which is enough to make you forget all about looking for more and keep you right where you are.

    You are so worried that someone is going to think you are bad, crazy, something other than good/normal/nice, that you have stopped dreaming. You are paralyzed by the fear of disapproval.

    And at the end of the day, you aren’t really happy. While inside you long for something more, you can’t imagine doing something different because it might disappoint someone somehow.

  5. You are waiting your turn.
    You think that you will have time for what you want to do after your kids grow up or your husband finds a new job or this work project is over or any number of other reasons that you tell yourself why you have to wait.

    You want to make sure that everyone else has everything they need before you take a break or do something for yourself. It’s a noble thought, but one that just doesn’t work. What are you supposed to do on a flight in case of emergency? Right: put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else. Why? Because you’re no good to anyone else if you’ve passed out from lack of oxygen.

    And anyway, if you don’t make time for your needs/dreams/feelings, no one else will.

It’s time to put yourself first.

I can hear you arguing: “But if I put myself first, won’t people think I’m selfish?”

Honey, you are so far away from Selfish you’re not even in a bordering country. It’s like you’re in Ireland looking across the water at England and saying, “But if I go there, won’t people think I’m French?”

The opposite of nice is not selfish. Taking care of yourself, taking time to do what you love (even if no one else asked you to do it… except me, of course), saying no to things that are stealing your precious time and energy you’d rather be using on pursuing your dream… none of these are selfish.

You matter. You do a lot of good stuff for a lot of people. And that’s AWESOME. But if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will — not the way you need to be cared for, only you can do that. (Not to mention, you teach people how to treat you, so if you treat yourself like your feelings don’t matter, guess what?… )

You deserve to be happy. As much as anyone else. (click here to tweet that)

To be happy, you need to know what makes YOU happy. You need to make time for yourself, make space for your feelings, and give yourself your own approval (because if you wait for everyone else’s approval before you do something for yourself, you’ll never do it… because you will never get everyone’s approval).

And by putting yourself, your needs, and your happiness first, you will be able to give so much more to those you love. ‘Cause you’ll have more to give.

By the way, if you’d like a little more help doing it, check out Good Girl Rehab.

How are you too nice? And how will you put yourself first this week? Let me know in the comments.

Photo Credit: las initially via Flickr