Patricia Lawless

Check your filter to make sure it’s not taking you completely off-course. But sometimes all of the answers to your filter come out “no” and your gut still tells you “yes”. At which point, the answer might be “Why not?”.

The fears that are likely to come up are the ones that want you to think that this decision will be forever. But there are very few things in life that require you to commit forever. Most things (sadly, including marriage) you could walk away from if it doesn’t work out.

For example, let’s say a job you never even thought you wanted lands in your lap and you realize that it gets you excited and your gut says “yes”. The fear would say “but what if you don’t like it? Then you’re stuck.” But the reality is that a job is not forever. Why not try it for a year? What have you got to lose?

(That example is exactly where I’m at in my life, by the way. Starting an unexpected job today, in fact.)

“Why not?” opens up possibilities you might have otherwise shied away from. And keeps you playing jazz.

Life is an experiment. Why not have fun with it?

So how do you decide when to say yes and when to say no?

I’ve said yes to more things than I should have. Sometimes that ended with me sucking it up and keeping my commitments anyway. And other times it ended with me going back with my head hung in shame, asking for forgiveness and backing out.

But neither of these scenarios feel good. And the only way to prevent them is to know when to say No.

The trouble is that our brains like to rationalize and explain why something does or does not make sense, and this can create overwhelm or analysis paralysis.

Bypass your brain (but not in the surgical sense).

It’s helpful to do some pre-thinking about what’s important to you. Come up with 3 questions (or more) that can act as a filter for those things that send your brain into over-rationalizing.

Here’s a template:

1. My goal is to ___________. Does this opportunity help me get there?
2. My purpose is to __________. Does this opportunity help me serve my purpose? (Note: this could also be your “why” or mission or whatever).
3. Overall, I want my life to be _______ (including family, health, etc). Does this opportunity help me live that life?

But that’s just a starting place. You might have other things that are important to you. Write them down. Keep them somewhere handy, and then when you’re waffling about whether to do something or not even if it does/does not make sense on paper, take out your filter and see if this opportunity passes the test.

Keep your eye on the prize. (And the prize is your best life… however you choose to define it).

For all of my talk about breaking and making your own rules, I’m also a rule-follower a lot of the time. It depends on why and what feels right and what’s important in that moment.

Life is full of choices and categories.

And it’s easy to believe that there are only 2 possibilities in each case. Not only that, but it’s also easy to believe that we have to choose one or the other, otherwise we don’t belong anywhere (and biologically, in our hearts or limbic brains, we all want to belong).

Conservative or liberal.
Feminist or patriarchal.
Pro-choice or pro-life.
Black or white.
Christian or atheist.
Good or bad.
Yes or no.
Right or wrong.
Techie or luddite.
Selfish or selfless.
Conformist or rebel.
Agreeable or contrarian.
Intellectual or artistic.
Either you are with us or against us.

But choosing sides doesn’t get us anywhere except more entrenched in disagreements. Like in politics, if you follow the media, you might start to believe that there are only extreme left or extreme right points of view. And either you’re on the right side or the wrong side. But in reality (the real kind, not the stuff on TV), most people fall somewhere in between. The land of “it depends”. The blurry middle.

For most of us, choosing sides can leave us feeling out of place (because we only sort of identify with one side vs the other). So what if we stand in the blurry middle together instead of choosing sides? That’s where we’ll find belonging and solutions.

Let’s be different and together, not the same and separate.

What do Miles Davis, Henri Matisse, and Richard Branson have in common? They broke the rules in their own fields (jazz, art, and business, respectively).

But what if you’re not a famous jazz musician, artist, or entrepreneur? How can you start breaking rules in small (or big) ways?

Take cooking for example. You could just start throwing random things into a pot and see what happens. That is definitely one way to approach things. But I thought it might be helpful to have a couple of rules to help you as you start breaking the rules (or making your own):

1. Understand the fundamentals.

   Whether in music, art, business, cooking, exercise, or anything really, it helps to know the basics. Practice the scales. Learn about color. Understand flavors. Whatever.

   Because no amount of sprinkles will cover up the fact that you didn’t know to use baking powder in that cake.

2. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes.

   Courage is a key ingredient for life. (Tweet that)

   Just because you learn the fundamentals doesn’t mean you have to be a stickler about them. Experiment.

   Because without a little bit of courage you might never try bourbon in your whipped cream instead of vanilla extract (which would be sad because it’s delicious with pecan pie).

Start living life like a piece of jazz. Change recipes. Work differently. Experiment. Create something new.

For every part of life (from diet to career to parenting to being successful), there is a set of rules. Some are written down and others are implied. And some are the cultural shoulds that keep us sticking to the script that someone else wrote.

But what if those rules don’t really apply to you?

Of course, there are those who hope that you will continue to play by their rules, but what if, in your life, you get to make your own rules?

Instead of Paleo or vegan or the diet du jour, eat the foods that make you feel good.

Instead of yoga or crossfit or whatever cool exercise trend is happening, exercise the way your body wants to (even if that means taking short walks or dancing around your house).

Instead of chasing success as defined by the media, your peers, or your insecurities, decide what success looks like for you. Maybe it means being the next shark on Shark Tank or maybe it means working just enough to support your life living in a tiny house. Or something in between and completely different.

The point is, you decide.