Redefine What's Possible
This month I’m focusing on and deconstructing confidence & how to get more of it.
All this talk about building confidence, got me thinking: What if there was a way to completely bypass the need to “build your confidence”? You know, like what if confidence were irrelevant?
Continue reading “3 mental “hacks” that make confidence (almost) irrelevant”
I’m focusing on confidence this month. Click here to check out the other posts in the series.
It’s all well and good to talk about building confidence in an abstract sort of way, but what do you do when you’re faced with something new that scares the bejeezus out of you? How do you find confidence in that sort of a situation?
Continue reading “3 steps to overcome fear and build confidence”
As I mentioned last week, this month I’m focusing on confidence.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it and what I could share about what I’ve learned from growing out of my shell and stepping out as an entrepreneur. And I realized that there are few places to start looking when you feel like you don’t have enough confidence.
Continue reading “3 Building Blocks of Confidence”
When I ask a new client what they are hoping to get from our coaching relationship, more often than not, their response includes “more confidence”.
This is what they want more than losing weight or finding the right guy or even financial abundance. Confidence is what stands between them and what they really want out of life (which deep down, underneath it all boils down to happiness… and isn’t that what we all want?).
Can you relate? I can.
When I first started coaching, I didn’t think I should admit that I struggled with confidence too. That to be a “good coach” I needed to avoid admitting to such weaknesses and so I would just nod and ask a good coaching question like “what would more confidence look like?” or “what would be different in your life if you had more confidence?”.
These days I fully admit to my clients (and to you) that I struggle with confidence. I want more too. (Of course, I still ask good coaching questions too, but I understand now that being real and human is part of being a great coach… and person).
I know what it feels like to shy away from asking for the thing I really want because I’m scared of having the spotlight on me.
I know all too well what it’s like to smile and nod on the outside while holding in what I really think or feel… feeling trapped and voiceless on the inside.
You know, Disney has had a lot of really successful animated films through the years. But there is something very special about last year’s Frozen.
First, there is the slightly awkward, endearingly quirky, and spunky Anna who is a new kind of Disney Princess. Then there’s Olaf… Olaf is just awesome. Handsome heroes, great music, and twists in the storyline – check. The Disney magic – check. But there’s something else.
Continue reading “Why “Let It Go” really won best song at the Oscars.”
Last week was my birthday + my husband’s birthday + Valentine’s Day. It was a busy week. So I didn’t a whole lot of writing or other “work” things done.
This week, I had big plans to dive in and get caught up. But then this happened:
We moved.
Dan and I have been talking about moving for a months but couldn’t find a place that felt right (price was wrong, location was wrong, too small for 4 people + 3 cats, etc etc). So while I knew we were moving someday, I didn’t really expect it to be this week.
But then Dan called on Monday to say he found a potential place. And now, on Friday, we’re unpacking in the new house.
I feel as though I’ve been flying on a trapeze all week: adrenaline-jittery, a little overwhelmed, excited, and body-sore.
So, here I am. Figuring out where to put the plates vs cups. Not really working again this week and letting go of the need to “do it all” (not always easy for a recovering perfectionist).
Moving suddenly has been one gigantic perspective shift. And I’m so excited for what’s possible from here.
This Saturday my husband, Dan, and I took a trapeze lesson. It was 1.5 hours of physical and mental challenge. And a whole lot of fun.
It was also educational. I learned a lot about myself, what I’m capable of, and about the unnecessary (and often unreasonable) limits I place on myself (I’m guessing you might do this too). So today I’m sharing some of what I learned.
When you’re at the bottom of the 30-foot ladder looking up, it feels impossible that you’ll make it all the way to the top. Whether your 30-foot ladder is actually a ladder or it’s a book you haven’t started writing yet or a new business you want to start or the decluttering project you keep putting off, when you are looking at the whole thing from really close up, it’s going to look impossible.
The only thing to do really is to take a deep breath and climb. One rung at a time. (And keeping your eyes on only the next 1-2 rungs of the ladder, nothing more).
When I made it to the top of that 30-foot ladder and climbed onto the platform, I was relieved to be safe again. That is, until I realized that I was now standing on a tiny platform 30-feet in the air and my best hope for getting back to the ground was to jump.
There comes a time in life (or business or with a project) when things get scary. Looking forward you see that the only thing to do is the scariest option available (give a speech, sign a contract, start hustling,… whatever). And you’ll look behind you and wonder if maybe you wouldn’t be happier to climb back down the ladder. Or just stay there on the platform forever.
But if you want to LIVE, if you want success, if you really want that dream to come true, you have to jump. It’s called facing your fears, and living courageously. The best things in life often come with scary parts, but getting through those things are a big part of what makes it worth it in the end.
Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and surrender to the great unknown.
When Dan and I arrived for our lesson, I was worried that I would not be able to do it. I had had one trapeze lesson before seven years ago, but that was when I was 30 pounds lighter and rock climbing several times a week.
And so in my mind, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough physically to actually get my legs onto the bar as they instructed us to do (especially when I could barely do it with the assistance of the instructor when we were practicing on the ground).
But the thing is, when you’re swinging through the air, physics take over. And my body took over. I didn’t have time to think about what I could and couldn’t do. When the instructions were yelled at me, I just did it. And while I won’t say that it was easy, I will say that it was easier than I thought it would be.
So when you are talking yourself out of something because you think it’s too hard or you can’t do it, take the first step. You may be surprised to find it’s not as hard as you think it is.
Bonus: Courage is an action.
For me, every step of the process on Saturday took courage, from climbing the ladder to jumping off of the platform to letting go of the trapeze bar to fall onto the net. There were so many moments when all I could do was take a deep breath and then respond to what was being asked of me.
A lot of things in life are like that too. Courage isn’t a shield that protects you from fear, and it’s not something you put on before you start.
Courage is something you do, it’s the action you take. (Click here to tweet that).
And life, like crazy trapeze lessons, takes courage.
One day when I was twenty-six, I was huddled up in Sarah’s cubicle at work. Sarah was a good work-friend of mine of similar age and outlook on life. She and I were commiserating over how hard our lives were compared to others’. Sharing whispered laments of how no one understood how hard it was for us. How everyone else had it easy… and how we had to struggle to make it.
[side note: looking back, I realize just how silly we must’ve sounded… two young, well-paid professionals living in a major city and lacking nothing except maybe a little more love.]
We were overheard by Missy, who was a few years older and definitely wiser than we were in that moment. Missy poked her head into the cubicle, and looked at us not unkindly and said: “Girls, don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.”
Screech… spit-take… whaaat did she just say?
Talk about life changing. That one phrase has helped me through lonely post-divorce dating droughts, disappointments due to being passed over for promotions, and a multitude of challenges as an entrepreneur/writer/stepmom/person.
I’ve shared that quote with more people than I can count, from friends to clients, and many tell me years later that they still think about it and how it changed their view of life.
(By the way, I found out years later that this saying is used in Alcoholics Anonymous… in case you’re curious where it came from.)
This one phrase is the ultimate counter to compare-and-despair syndrome. It is a great balance to your friends’ happy highlight-reel lives on Facebook. It reminds you that you’re not comparing apples to apples.
Of course you are going to feel inadequate or hopeless when comparing your deepest, darkest insides to someone else’s highly-curated public persona.
Of course you feel like no one understands you. Those unpolished inner thoughts are not the things we put onto Facebook or talk about in public.
Of course you feel like everyone else’s life is so much better when you compare their happiest & hippest moments shared on Instagram to your unfiltered day-to-day.
The point is, you don’t know how much someone has struggled (or still struggles) to be where they are today. You don’t know if behind that smile is a broken heart. You don’t know if your pain is any deeper than anyone else’s.
And that is okay.
So… stop comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. And…
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Philo
P.S. this is #12 of the 40 things I would tell my 20-year-old self.
Twenty years ago, I was a sophomore at the University of Georgia, majoring in English/pre-med. I was trying to figure out who I really was while still living up to my parents’ expectations… and failing at both.
Twenty years. Wow, that’s a long time. In those twenty years, I’ve lived a couple of lives. I fell in love young and got married, only to find myself a few years later uncertain about everything I thought I knew about myself and about love. And then going against everything my “logical brain” and parents advised, I asked for a divorce.
I’ve been a single, successful career woman. I learned to rock climb, snowboard, surf (a little), and ran a marathon. I’ve been a student, a software engineer, a manager, a coach, and a writer. I taught myself to play guitar, knit, and built a semi-successful food blog.
I have dated younger guys, been the dumpee and dumper (and once in a weird way I was both at the same time). And then when I decided to stop dating, I found true love in a friend I had had for years.
I have been athletic & svelte, and then I’ve gained 30 pounds and struggled to take it off again. I have been depressed, and I have found real happiness. Most of all, I’ve learned a lot about myself and about life along the way. And in honor of my upcoming 40th birthday (in just a few, short weeks), I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned.
. It will change your life.)What would you tell your younger self?
Have you seen Shawn Achor’s Ted Talk? If not, you can find it here: The happy secret to better work.
The thing that stood out to me most was this statement: 90% of your happiness has to do with how you perceive your world. That is to say, 90% of your happiness depends entirely on how you choose to see your life and the resultant feelings from that perspective.
That is both exciting and daunting. Exciting because you can control 90% of your happiness by tweaking your own insides. Daunting because tweaking your own insides isn’t always so easy.
So today I thought I’d give you a few practical tips to help you adjust that 90%.
to articles like this one from Psychology Today to Brené Brown’s work
– here is a short video of her talking about the link between joy and gratitude.
or UP
to track your activity. I have a Fitbit and find it helps me keep a minimum activity level (it’s like a game trying to get enough steps everyday).None of these are magic bullets (so it won’t change anything, poof, overnight). They require a (small) commitment from you (so you have to do the work, though none of these require much work). But if you do even one of these regularly this year, you will feel a difference.