Last week was my birthday + my husband’s birthday + Valentine’s Day. It was a busy week. So I didn’t a whole lot of writing or other “work” things done.
This week, I had big plans to dive in and get caught up. But then this happened:
We moved.
Dan and I have been talking about moving for a months but couldn’t find a place that felt right (price was wrong, location was wrong, too small for 4 people + 3 cats, etc etc). So while I knew we were moving someday, I didn’t really expect it to be this week.
But then Dan called on Monday to say he found a potential place. And now, on Friday, we’re unpacking in the new house.
I feel as though I’ve been flying on a trapeze all week: adrenaline-jittery, a little overwhelmed, excited, and body-sore.
So, here I am. Figuring out where to put the plates vs cups. Not really working again this week and letting go of the need to “do it all” (not always easy for a recovering perfectionist).
Moving suddenly has been one gigantic perspective shift. And I’m so excited for what’s possible from here.
This Saturday my husband, Dan, and I took a trapeze lesson. It was 1.5 hours of physical and mental challenge. And a whole lot of fun.
It was also educational. I learned a lot about myself, what I’m capable of, and about the unnecessary (and often unreasonable) limits I place on myself (I’m guessing you might do this too). So today I’m sharing some of what I learned.
3 Things I learned about Life from a Trapeze Lesson:
You have to climb one rung at a time.
When you’re at the bottom of the 30-foot ladder looking up, it feels impossible that you’ll make it all the way to the top. Whether your 30-foot ladder is actually a ladder or it’s a book you haven’t started writing yet or a new business you want to start or the decluttering project you keep putting off, when you are looking at the whole thing from really close up, it’s going to look impossible.
The only thing to do really is to take a deep breath and climb. One rung at a time. (And keeping your eyes on only the next 1-2 rungs of the ladder, nothing more).
Sometimes the only way forward is to jump.
When I made it to the top of that 30-foot ladder and climbed onto the platform, I was relieved to be safe again. That is, until I realized that I was now standing on a tiny platform 30-feet in the air and my best hope for getting back to the ground was to jump.
There comes a time in life (or business or with a project) when things get scary. Looking forward you see that the only thing to do is the scariest option available (give a speech, sign a contract, start hustling,… whatever). And you’ll look behind you and wonder if maybe you wouldn’t be happier to climb back down the ladder. Or just stay there on the platform forever.
But if you want to LIVE, if you want success, if you really want that dream to come true, you have to jump. It’s called facing your fears, and living courageously. The best things in life often come with scary parts, but getting through those things are a big part of what makes it worth it in the end.
Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and surrender to the great unknown.
It’s not as hard as you think it is.
When Dan and I arrived for our lesson, I was worried that I would not be able to do it. I had had one trapeze lesson before seven years ago, but that was when I was 30 pounds lighter and rock climbing several times a week.
And so in my mind, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough physically to actually get my legs onto the bar as they instructed us to do (especially when I could barely do it with the assistance of the instructor when we were practicing on the ground).
But the thing is, when you’re swinging through the air, physics take over. And my body took over. I didn’t have time to think about what I could and couldn’t do. When the instructions were yelled at me, I just did it. And while I won’t say that it was easy, I will say that it was easier than I thought it would be.
So when you are talking yourself out of something because you think it’s too hard or you can’t do it, take the first step. You may be surprised to find it’s not as hard as you think it is.
Bonus: Courage is an action.
For me, every step of the process on Saturday took courage, from climbing the ladder to jumping off of the platform to letting go of the trapeze bar to fall onto the net. There were so many moments when all I could do was take a deep breath and then respond to what was being asked of me.
A lot of things in life are like that too. Courage isn’t a shield that protects you from fear, and it’s not something you put on before you start.
One day when I was twenty-six, I was huddled up in Sarah’s cubicle at work. Sarah was a good work-friend of mine of similar age and outlook on life. She and I were commiserating over how hard our lives were compared to others’. Sharing whispered laments of how no one understood how hard it was for us. How everyone else had it easy… and how we had to struggle to make it.
[side note: looking back, I realize just how silly we must’ve sounded… two young, well-paid professionals living in a major city and lacking nothing except maybe a little more love.]
We were overheard by Missy, who was a few years older and definitely wiser than we were in that moment. Missy poked her head into the cubicle, and looked at us not unkindly and said: “Girls, don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.”
Screech… spit-take… whaaat did she just say?
Talk about life changing. That one phrase has helped me through lonely post-divorce dating droughts, disappointments due to being passed over for promotions, and a multitude of challenges as an entrepreneur/writer/stepmom/person.
I’ve shared that quote with more people than I can count, from friends to clients, and many tell me years later that they still think about it and how it changed their view of life.
(By the way, I found out years later that this saying is used in Alcoholics Anonymous… in case you’re curious where it came from.)
This one phrase is the ultimate counter to compare-and-despair syndrome. It is a great balance to your friends’ happy highlight-reel lives on Facebook. It reminds you that you’re not comparing apples to apples.
Of course you are going to feel inadequate or hopeless when comparing your deepest, darkest insides to someone else’s highly-curated public persona.
Of course you feel like no one understands you. Those unpolished inner thoughts are not the things we put onto Facebook or talk about in public.
Of course you feel like everyone else’s life is so much better when you compare their happiest & hippest moments shared on Instagram to your unfiltered day-to-day.
The point is, you don’t know how much someone has struggled (or still struggles) to be where they are today. You don’t know if behind that smile is a broken heart. You don’t know if your pain is any deeper than anyone else’s.
And that is okay.
So… stop comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. And…
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Philo
Twenty years ago, I was a sophomore at the University of Georgia, majoring in English/pre-med. I was trying to figure out who I really was while still living up to my parents’ expectations… and failing at both.
Twenty years. Wow, that’s a long time. In those twenty years, I’ve lived a couple of lives. I fell in love young and got married, only to find myself a few years later uncertain about everything I thought I knew about myself and about love. And then going against everything my “logical brain” and parents advised, I asked for a divorce.
I’ve been a single, successful career woman. I learned to rock climb, snowboard, surf (a little), and ran a marathon. I’ve been a student, a software engineer, a manager, a coach, and a writer. I taught myself to play guitar, knit, and built a semi-successful food blog.
I have dated younger guys, been the dumpee and dumper (and once in a weird way I was both at the same time). And then when I decided to stop dating, I found true love in a friend I had had for years.
I have been athletic & svelte, and then I’ve gained 30 pounds and struggled to take it off again. I have been depressed, and I have found real happiness. Most of all, I’ve learned a lot about myself and about life along the way. And in honor of my upcoming 40th birthday (in just a few, short weeks), I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned.
here are 40 things I would tell my-20-year-old-self:
You are worthy of love.
Real love is not dependent on what you achieve.
Follow your own heart, even when it flies in the face of expectations.
You have nothing to prove to anyone (including yourself).
It’s not your job to make other people happy. No matter how much you love them or want them to be happy.
It is your job to make yourself happy. No matter how much you want others to do it for you.
You are the only one who has to (and gets to) live your life. So others can have opinions, but you get the final say.
Forgiveness is freedom.
Not all love lasts forever. And that’s okay.
When you overanalyze something, it usually means you’re scared and avoiding a hard truth you don’t want to face.
When you make excuses for your boyfriend and keep “finding” reasons to stay, it usually means it’s time to break up. (This goes for friends too.)
Worrying about what you “should” do is a warning signal that you’re not listening to your own heart.
Healing and recovery don’t happen overnight. It takes work… and tears.
Don’t be afraid of emotions or crying. Feelings aren’t wrong or bad. Sometimes they are the only true thing.
Stop waiting for permission.
Do the things that make you feel alive.
Forgiveness does not mean letting yourself get hurt again. Forgive, because that’s where you’ll find healing, but also set your boundaries. You can do both.
Love yourself first… and have the courage to let someone really love you.
Be gentle with yourself and others.
Don’t apologize when it’s not your fault.
Don’t shrink yourself so that others can be bigger.
Don’t hide or run away. You are strong enough to stand in the light.
Life won’t always go as you planned, but it all turns out better than you could have expected. Enjoy the ride.
Stop assuming you know what someone else is thinking. You are not a mind reader.
Your parents don’t always know what’s best for your life. Trust yourself.
There will be times when you could’ve handled things better. Apologize for that, but don’t give up on what your heart knows to be right (for you).
Families come in all shapes and sizes. And sometimes, blood and marriage have nothing to do with it.
Your body is strong and resilient. Take care of it. Love it.
It’s all connected: mind, body, heart, spirit. No, really. It is.
You are sensitive, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s one of your biggest strengths. (Read The Highly Sensitive Person. It will change your life.)
You aren’t as shy as you think you are.
You are a strong, independent woman capable of doing so much. But that doesn’t mean you need to do everything alone.
Just because you are good at something doesn’t mean that’s what you should be doing for a career.
Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, not what you do for them.
You are not what happened to you.
You are worth fighting for. Don’t avoid the fights.
Don’t let the fears others have hold you back from your own adventures.
Don’t wait for someday, start now.
You already have everything you need in order to live a happy life.
Remember how when summer break was over and you were back in classes, it was one part excitement to see your friends, wearing your new clothes, and being in a new grade; and one part ugh-I-have-to-do-homework?-wtf?-I’m-not-ready-for-this.
Yeah,… that’s how I feel right now.
As you know I gave myself most of the summer off. Now it’s August and it’s time to get back to writing, blogging, and keeping it real. But I’ve struggled all week to produce one post-able piece of prose.
So my choices are: keep beating my head against the desk in hopes that the perfect words will fall out OR write something reasonable today and go deeper next week.
Now, while I do love to bang my head on hard surfaces as much as the next writer, I think letting go of the need to be perfect and just taking a step forward (albeit a small one) is the better option.
Anyway, it’s rarely as bad as you think it is.
It’s the fear of not living up to some ideal you’ve created in your mind that keeps you from taking the first step, but once you take a step (any step) it gets easier and you start wondering what you were worrying about in the first place.
(And hey, look at that, I’ve nearly written an entire blog post already. That wasn’t so hard after all.)
By the way, I’m really excited to share these with you!
Just this week I’ve been featured in two interviews! I feel so lucky and honored.
The second is a podcast called Life Coaching Today with Garrett Lamb. Garrett and I had a lot of fun talking about all sorts of things (from road rage to the Flintstones), and had a deep discussion about the inner critic and what role is really plays in our lives. It’s a short 22 minutes long & free! Click here to download the podcast.
(Note: The link to the RBBP book is an affiliate link, so if you buy anything using that link I’ll get a small percentage. I rarely use affiliate links and only for things I have used and really believe in.)
I work for myself. I work from home. When people learn this about me, it generally conjures up images of me working in pajamas interspersed with full days of playing hooky at the beach… like all the time.
The reality is that working for myself is nothing like that.
First of all, I work in yoga pants, not pajamas. Thank you very much. And I haven’t been to the beach in ages. Building your own business is work. Stressing about where your next client will come from. Worrying about doing everything yourself and wondering if you have what it takes. Being both the lazy employee who watches more TV than gets work done AND the irritated manager who doesn’t know how to deal with said employee, can be crazy-making.
But does all that have to mean it’s no fun?
I got to thinking recently, I left a good-paying corporate job to do something I love, so why is it that I don’t seem to be loving what I’m doing all that much and I don’t seem to have time to play hooky. Like ever. And I feel lost (always). And like I’m constantly playing catch-up.
So after a lot of introspection and playing 20 questions with myself, I’ve clarified what’s happening: I’m trying to do too much & “keep up with” the people/ideas/ways of doing things I think I need to keep up with.
Which is just silly.
What do you need to put on hold in order to create space, find clarity, and move forward?
I get to enjoy this crazy life I’m living. So I’m letting go of a bunch of things that are holding me back and making me feel stuck. Like the shoulds (I should be posting consistently. I should be building my newsletter list. I should always be marketing. Etc). And the need-tos (I need to finish working through Book Yourself Solid Illustrated before I finish writing my new homepage. I need to create the perfect header before I start writing guest posts. I need to have more followers before I can teach a course. I need to play by the rules).
I’m letting go of the old (not-so-helpful) stories I’ve been telling myself like: “I’m not good at marketing”, “I need someone else to help me figure out my business”, “I don’t know what I’m doing”, and “I’m not *there* yet so I can’t ______”.
Making things complicated is a way of procrastinating. Overanalyzing is another. Hiding out and telling myself stories of defeat before I’ve even taken action is yet another way I keep myself from what I want: success.
I don’t need to be perfect & I don’t need my house, courses, marketing, whatever to be perfect. I just need to start.
Embrace the learning that comes through taking action.
I have made a decision to stop blogging for a couple of months (which after my limited posts recently probably isn’t a surprise, but I wanted to be upfront about it). I will start posting here again August 1.
This is all so that I can spend time simplifying my online world, getting crystal clear on what it is I want to be doing with my precious time, and focusing most of my energy on one thing: building my business.
I’ve been listening to my urges more closely. Following my intuition. It is leading me to get out of the house more, invite people into my home (for informal learning/coaching meet ups – more info coming soon), and just start teaching something (new course to be launched soon – stay tuned).
In the meantime, follow me on Facebook and sign up for my newsletter to be the first to know about new courses, local meet ups, and life changing messages.
Until August 1, here’s your homework
Think about this question: How are you keeping yourself away from what you want most in life? Share your answer in the comments or join the discussion on Facebook.
Dan & I kicked off our birthday week (his is on Valentine’s Day) on Saturday with a fabulous dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and Bill Cosby Live (such an amazing & funny man! He’s still got it at 75).
I’m not going to tell you how old I am today because I don’t want to think about numbers on my birthday (though if you go to my charity:water page, you’ll see the real number), but let’s just say I’m old enough to remember some stuff (like this and this).
Oh and…
Anyway… so I have a birthday present FOR YOU
Yep. I’m giving you a gift on my birthday. Aren’t I awesome?
Remember all that stuff I said about gremlins? (You can watch it here if you need a refresher). Well, I’ve created a FREE mini-course that will help you housebreak your gremlin.
It is quick, easy, and fun. All delivered to your inbox in bite-sized pieces over 5 days.
I put some really good stuff in there to get your from “maybe-I-dunno” to saying “Oh yeah!” (like Koolaid Man). I hope you like it. Did I mention it’s FREE?
Ready? Sign up Now
Updated [September 3, 2013] — I’m no longer offering this free mini course, but I do have a downloadable e-book that helps you take your Dream and put it into Action. You can get it for free just click here to sign up!
. It will change your life.)
before I finish writing my new homepage. I need to create the perfect header before I start writing guest posts. I need to have more followers before I can teach a course. I need to play by the rules).
